Connecting Beyond Images

When Adyashanti, my favorite spiritual teacher, was studying psychology in college, one of the topics was the importance of a good, healthy self-image. He was fascinated by the subject, but one day it occurred to him: “Image? Good image, bad image, it's just an image!”

Of course, it's better to have a good image of ourselves than to have a negative image. But an image is a flimsy, insubstantial thing.

We concentrate so much on our self-image. Even if it’s a positive one, we try to improve it, and get other people to see it; and if they don’t, we feel injured. We have to protect the image.

And our minds create images to define other people as well. So we land ourselves in a situation where our self-image interacts with our image of the other person, instead of making a true heart-to-heart connection. It’s almost as though we’re living through avatars.

Let’s say I have an image of myself as a good parent, but my son isn’t keeping up with his schoolwork. I start developing an image of him as a lazy person, and that image starts to obscure everything else about him. Every time I see him lying on the couch, I think “LAZY,” as though it’s emblazoned in neon lights above him. Meantime, my self-image as a good parent is hurt.

The image of me is heading for a fight with the image of him.

What I need here is not a more positive self-image. What I need is to stop putting images or labels in between my son and myself.

Our minds naturally reduce reality to something simple: symbols, words, and concepts. But reality, and especially a real human being, is much more than can ever be encompassed by an image or a thought.

If we could peel back the mask that our physical reality imposes, and look beyond our momentary behaviors, if we could see the being behind our eyes, what would we see?

No words can describe or capture what we are inside, but there’s a pointer to an expanded sense in the Talmud, where the sages describe the value of a life as “the world entire.” If we could reveal our true selves, I think that we would see an entire world inside, even many worlds.

Here’s an exercise worth trying. Sit down with another person, and gaze silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

This can be a powerful experience with a romantic partner, a friend or family member, or even a stranger. (Click the links to see videos of people doing this exercise and talking about how it feels.)

You will see the person beyond the eyes. You will feel your inner self in a deeper way as well.

Behind labels, beyond names and forms, is where true connection can be felt.

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