Seven Deceptively Simple Tips for Better Listening



It’s not that simple.

I was lucky to be invited to an excellent three-day training that immediately changed the way I listened. I’ve boiled the method down to seven tips which may seem obvious, but are actually dense with meaning. Following these tips can revolutionize your relationships with the people closest to you.

Let’s dive right in.

1. Notice the opportunity. 

Recognize when someone has something on their mind that is bothering them, something they’d like to talk through. They may not come right out and say, “I need to tell you about a problem.” So you have to perceive when it’s time to go into listening mode.

I’m still learning this step in the process. In fact, just this morning, I flubbed a conversation by giving advice when I should have listened more.

Look for the moment, and say to yourself consciously: it’s time to listen.

2. Use your face and body to show that you're paying attention. 

Attentive body language is essential in listening. Look at the person. Lean forward a bit, nod your head, say “Mm-hm,” and let your face gently reflect the emotions the person is conveying. Give constant supportive feedback visually.

Don't multitask. Put your phone away. Even on a zoom call, or especially on a Zoom call, don’t try to sneak in a quick peek at your messages. People can totally tell when you aren’t paying attention, and they will totally stop confiding in you.

I can’t overstate how important this is. Give the person a full view of your attentive face, even if they are not always looking at you. Stay relaxed, but also stay steady in giving visual cues of attentiveness.

3. Concentrate.

As you listen to a story, picture the events and feel the emotions. See the story through your friend’s eyes as much as possible.

Don’t think about the excellent advice you’re going to give after you’re done listening. Just absorb what is being said, both verbally and through nonverbal cues.

4. Don’t interrupt. Not even a little. Not for any reason. Hold the space.

This one was new for me. I grew up in New York, where interrupting is part of good conversation. We interrupt all the time with clarifying questions, entertaining commentary, or supportive remarks. It’s a measure of closeness if we can go back and forth as we speak, almost like singing a duet.

But if someone is telling you an important and emotional story, even friendly interruptions can short-circuit the listening process.

Say that your daughter is recounting something that happened to her at work. A superior called her into his office, closed the door, and proceeded to berate her in a harsh and threatening tone.

At this point, you interrupt to say: “Oh my gosh, that’s terrible! I’m so sorry that happened!”

And you think it’s a supportive comment, but actually your daughter was just starting her story; she was going to tell you about how the situation escalated into a traumatic physical assault.

By interrupting, you’ve diverted her attention from her story to your reaction. She sees that you’re upset already, and decides not to go into the most painful part of the story.

Or maybe you interrupt with a question: “Do you think he really meant it, or was he just blowing off steam?” And then your daughter is diverted into analyzing the aggressor’s motives, instead of telling you the story that she wants to tell.

This example illustrates an important point: as a listener, your job is to hold the space. Think of yourself as holding a giant bubble around your friend, shielding them so they are safe to be emotionally unguarded with you. Stay strong, and don’t let anything interfere with their process of looking inside and articulating their story and their feelings. Your silent presence and attentiveness supports them more than any question or comment can.

This non-interruption is a radical change for many of us; even experienced therapists and coaches may have trouble restraining themselves from inserting their agenda. They’ll say, “It’s just a clarifying question. I have to make sure I understand the story.” No, you don’t have to make sure you understand just yet. For now, just help the person listen to themselves, by being silent and attentive. Hold the space. You can ask questions later.

5. Allow silence.

What if the person you’re listening to falls silent as well, and there’s just complete silence? Isn’t that awkward?

You may feel a strong urge to fill the silence. But in deep listening, allowing complete silence is not awkward, it’s essential.

Silence allows both people in a conversation to absorb what has been said, and allows the speaker time to recover, take a breath, and look inside to see what remains be said. Together with your attentive body language, holding the silence communicates your commitment, patience, and full presence.

You may be surprised that after a few beats of silence, your friend will start talking again, and on a deeper level.

Think of it as companionable, encouraging silence. Silence is the sound of listening.

6. Three magic words.

Sometimes a person has an important story to tell but stops talking after a few minutes.

The truth is, there’s much more to be shared, but people are not used to being listened to for any length of time. The speaker is shy about claiming our attention for long, doesn’t trust that we really want to listen.

Here’s a simple, easy way to remove this block. After a little silence, say, “Tell me more.”

These words impose no agenda. They’re a gentle, open invitation to look inside and see what more needs to be spoken.

Let’s say your friend recounts a conflict with his teenage son, an angry argument. Then the story seems to end. Silence.

“Tell me more.”

Now your friend turns to a list of the son’s faults, his low grades, his rudeness and defiance, and the time he stole alcohol. The story seems to end again in a tone of blame and frustration.

“Tell me more.”

Your friend explains how the trouble started with the parents’ divorce, which sent the son into a tailspin.

“Tell me more.”

Now your friend, in tears, finally shares the deeply buried part: he blames himself for the divorce and all his son’s problems, and can’t forgive himself.

As listeners, we may be tempted to jump in after the very first part of the story, with great advice about handling teens.

But if we interrupt, we’ll never get to the heart of what’s blocking our friend: his own feelings of guilt. So remember these magic words: tell me more.

7. Echo back.

After you feel the whole story has been told, echo back what you’ve heard. In your own words, summarize the points in the story that stood out to you, and tell the person what emotions you heard, expressed or implied.

Echoing may feel awkward or unnatural at first, but with practice, you’ll find a way to make it feel right for you.

You can preface your echo with “Let me make sure I understood the most important parts of this.”

It is often good to add some reassurance and sympathy for your friend as you echo, because they might be feeling quite vulnerable at this point, having opened up.

But the main point is to let the person feel heard. Especially let them know that you heard their emotion. And ask them if you got it right.

I can't tell you how relieved and satisfied people feel to hear their story echoed back, complete with the emotion. It's so rare. It puts a seal on the listening, giving the person proof that they have been fully heard.

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Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.

, Karl Menninger

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After you’ve fully heard your friend’s story, you’ve laid a solid foundation of trust and understanding that supports the next stage of your conversation, when you ask questions, share thoughts, and maybe brainstorm together about the way forward.

Sometimes, you’ll find that just listening was enough. Holding space for a person to think aloud can even allow them to find their own solutions.

Whether or not the problem is solved, being listened to and fully heard can be a profoundly healing experience, one that many people yearn for without quite knowing it.

Perhaps that’s one reason that people like to pray; God is a great listener. He never interrupts, and he totally understands what we mean and how we feel.

So think of deep listening as a sort of divine gift that you can offer to the people close to you.

I hope you'll try it out, and let me know how it goes.