That Annoying Person in Our Life

Our feeling of being stuck and helpless in this situation is a sign that we need to find an entirely new way to think about it, a mental map that empowers us in the relationship.

Here’s a surprising story that suggests how you can do this for yourself.

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The monks led a quiet life of mindful labor and prayer. They ate simply, in silence, and slept on straw pallets. The even rhythm of their days was a balm to their souls.

But there was a fly in the ointment; there was one annoying monk.

He would belch loudly during meditation and then laugh like a hyena at the sound. He would “borrow” another monk’s habit rather than do his own laundry. He would make lewd comments about visitors when they were well within earshot. He knew how to get on people’s nerves and did so on purpose, sometimes with sly sarcasm, sometimes with outright bellicosity.

One day he disappeared. No one knew where he had gone, but everyone was greatly relieved.

A few days later the abbot disappeared as well, but returned shortly, with the annoying monk in tow. The monk had joined another monastery, but the abbot had persuaded him to return.

“Why have you brought this annoying monk back into our midst?” cried the other monks in shock. “He contributes nothing, and only disturbs our peace!”

“It is true that he disturbs the peace of the monastery,” replied the abbot. “But it is not true that he contributes nothing,” he continued. “On the contrary, this monk is our greatest teacher.”

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We all have an annoying monk in our lives. Someone who continually throws stones into the pond of our inner calm. Someone who provokes us, treats us poorly or drives us crazy.

Most likely, someone came to mind for you right now. Who is your annoying monk?

How can that person be your greatest teacher?

I’ve had my share of annoying monks in my life. Some have stuck around for years, even decades.

I have struggled with them in many different ways.

I’ve waited patiently, hoping they would gradually change or that I could change them.

I’ve tried showering them with kindness and understanding. I’ve tried teaching them better ways.

I’ve tried fighting back, and even expelling them from my monastery.

I’ve pitied myself for having to suffer at their hands. I’ve also blamed myself and suppressed my feelings.

And yet the monks persist. Even when they leave, others move in to replace them.

As I look back on this long story, I see how many ways I’ve tried to cope, and how none of them really solved the problem. Instead, they disempowered me. The solution that seemed most empowering is expulsion from the monastery, as I learned the lesson of drawing boundaries and letting go. But more annoying monks still arrived.

So what are my annoying monks teaching me now?

To take responsibility for myself, on an ever-deeper level, for my life and for my feelings. Not by planning new ways to deal with the monks, but by tending to my own happiness, right here and right now.

By eating healthy foods, exercising, surrounding myself with people who lift my spirits, making brave decisions, speaking my truth, serving others, reading, writing, singing and dancing. Growing the glow of my inner light to the point where no annoying monk’s shadow can dim it.

I don’t know what your annoying monk is teaching you. I hope you’ll take some time to ask yourself honestly and sincerely, and listen to your own answer.

Ultimately, I think that’s what all the monks are calling us to do.

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