The Journey Is What Brings Us Happiness, Goals Just Set Directions

Those who are aware of it can skip the next few paragraphs. Continue reading after the picture.

Those who think they have control over achieving their goals, keep reading here below.

What we’re mixing up in our head is two very different concepts: “doing our best” (over which we do have some control) and “having control over the outcome.”

If you’ve ever studied hard for an exam but didn’t get the mark you deserved; if you’ve ever worked hard for a promotion but someone else got it; if you’ve ever worked even harder to achieve your sales quota but a global pandemic made all your efforts futile; if you’ve ever tried talking with friends, coaches and counsellors, but the relationship with your partner still ended (and this list could go on forever), then you know that you have no control over the outcome.

Of course, the opposite happens all the time as well. We reached our sales quota with little effort because the market was growing faster than expected; we got a great mark on the exam because the questions were about the only topic we’d reviewed (it did happen to me once, on a super important exam); etc., etc., etc. Bottom line: we don’t really have control over the outcome of our actions.

Everybody, keep reading from here ☺

The problem is that, even if we intellectually understand that we don’t have control over the objectives we try to achieve, we still base some of the most important aspects of our life, like happiness, fulfilment and self-worth, on the illusion of having such control.

• We make ourselves miserable (stressed, anxious, fearful, etc.) until we’ve achieved our goal. And then we allow ourselves to be happy briefly until we’re on to the next goal.

• We measure our success according to how many goals we have achieved.

• We judge our self-worth based on whether we’ve achieved a goal or not (e.g., if my son doesn’t grow up as I wanted, I’m not good enough a father; if I end up going through a divorce, I’m a failure; if I don’t get a new job, I’m not good enough; etc.)

To different degrees, this happens to all of us. Even if we’re intellectually aware that control is an illusion, we still often bet our happiness, sense of fulfilment and self-worth on things we don’t have control over.

Here’s a great example.

Andrea’s story

Andrea (fake name, obviously, if I have a daughter one day, I'd love to call her Andrea, though) is a successful, financially secure executive who’s been unemployed for a few months. She’s been talking with headhunters, networking, contacting companies directly… and is now feeling miserable because nothing has worked so far.

She’s had two series of interviews with two companies she doesn’t really like. She progressed to the very last stages of the recruiting process but, eventually, wasn’t offered the jobs. And while she wasn’t going to accept those jobs anyway, she feels even sadder.

The internal dialogue in Andrea’s head is all about not being good enough, not having a good CV, having wasted so many years of her life without really building anything.

Andrea’s now feeling disheartened, powerless, and is aware that her bad mood comes across in her meetings, her emails and all her job hunting in general, and that that’s not going to help her find a job.

“What would make you happy?” I asked her. “Finding a job.”

Have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to Andrea’s?

You want something (or someone) so much that your whole life turns miserable while you’re trying to achieve it, be it a better job, a pay rise, a life partner, a child…

What is happening is that we’re measuring our success, judging ourselves and basing our happiness on whether we’ve reached our goals or not… which is something outside our control.

So, what’s the other option?

Earlier on, I was mentioning that we mix up doing our best (over which we do have some control) with having control over achieving our goals. So, that’s the other option: focusing on who we’re being each day, empowering our present, doing the best we can right here, right now, and celebrating it: being happy, feeling fulfilled and feeling good enough because we’ve just done our best today, right now.

Goals are important because they set us in motion and give us direction. But that’s it.

Whether we reach them or not depends on a myriad of factors (and other people) completely outside our control. So why make my happiness, sense of fulfilment and self-worth dependent on something that I have no control over?

So, after you’ve given yourself a new goal and have set yourself in motion, let go of it. Let go of the illusion of controlling the final outcome of your actions and focus on who you’re being and what you’re doing every day. Empower the present. Find happiness, fulfilment and self-worth in having done your best today, in having learnt something new today, in having made progress on your journey today.

Use your learning and daily progress to measure your success, your sense of fulfilment and self-worth. You can do it day by day, hour by hour. You don’t need to defer it until you’ve reached (or found you can’t reach!) your goals.

Whether we reach the destination is outside our control.

But the journey is what brings us happiness, not the destination.

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